


Stop. Reset. Play.

by blinking_post



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Clueless Seungri, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-14
Updated: 2016-02-14
Packaged: 2018-05-20 13:59:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6009793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blinking_post/pseuds/blinking_post
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Crumbled.  Dejected.  Defeated.  Seungri sits on the curb just outside the club, head hanging between his knees, hands on the back of his head.  The past months flash before his eyes like a movie.  None of the mundane, boring, everyday stuff like practicing their next performance or washing dishes or sitting in front of the tv watching a drama.  The important parts.  Forwards and backs and forwards and stop.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stop. Reset. Play.

**Author's Note:**

> Non-linear and experimental. Set around the time Seungri is 20 because I can't imagine Seungri being this way _now_. Plays fast and loose with canon. ~~But what _is_ canon?~~

\----

 

**PLAY.**

 

Crumbled.  Dejected.  Defeated.  Seungri sits on the curb just outside the club, head hanging between his knees, hands on the back of his head.  The past months flash before his eyes like a movie.  None of the mundane, boring, everyday stuff like practicing their next performance or washing dishes or sitting in front of the tv watching a drama.  The important parts.  Forwards and backs and forwards and stop.

 

**PAUSE.  REWIND.  REWIND REWIND REWIND STOP.  PLAY.  
**

 

_The first girl was an accident.  Mostly.  Okay, he should have seen it coming.  That, he can admit to.  He hadn’t meant for it to go all the way though, if that counts for anything.  It should, right?  Right?  All he had wanted that night was a few kisses and maybe some heavy petting on the side.  The goal wasn’t sex that night.  The goal was Top-hyung’s reaction.  Once in a while he thought he’d see a spark of interest or something, maybe a hint of fondness that went a tad too far beyond the line of just a hyung.  He felt pretty confident in his assessment and he wants it confirmed.  He doesn’t know what he will do with that information but he figures he’ll cross that bridge when he gets there._

 

_Maybe there was something there.  Maybe.  It isn’t there anymore at least because, typical Seungri, he goes head and fucks everything up.  Literally.  Top-hyung doesn’t do more than stare blankly at the two of them, surprise on his face for a split second, and then he’s closing the door with nary a sound on the sight of Seungri’s disheveled hair and that first girl with her hand down Seungri’s pants.  The thump of the bass reverberates against the wall and his back in perfect tandem with his heartbeat._

 

_There are no reprimands afterwards.  There is no Jiyong grabbing him by the ear and slicing him open with harsh words?_ Are you stupid? _Jiyong would have demanded._ Possibly, _he would have responded with.  That would have made Jiyong even angrier.  Sometimes he looks at Seungri like he doesn’t know how to handle him and Seungri is maybe a little sorry about that.  Sometimes.  Most of the times it’s just who he is._

 

_So, nothing.  No reaction.  Like it didn’t happen at all.  One night passes and then two, and then a week and the whole thing is gone.  Top-hyung remains the same, open and relaxed towards all of them, friendly and affection and witty and caring and silly while he makes everyone laugh.  He treats Seungri the same as he always had before.  He joke and he teases and he slides a warm arm around Seungri’s shoulder after a long, hard day of practice.  He’s overly sentimental and romantic.  It’s stupid and idiotic and old fashioned because who even thinks of life like that anymore?  But it’s endearing at least._

 

_Frustrating too._

 

(Heartbreaking as well now that he thinks about it, but he didn’t understand that then.)

 

_He wants to yell at the top of his lungs, wanted to shout out loud and stomp his feet like a child.  It did, he wants to insist.  It really happened so please react damnit.  Something._   Anything.

 

**STOP.  FAST FORWARD.  FORWARD FORWARD FORWARD.  STOP.  PLAY.**

 

_There’s a guy eyeing him from across the club.  He thinks it’s nothing at first.  Probably a trick of his mind, but Seungri finds himself looking back again and again only to see those eyes looking back, interest piqued.  From the looks of it, he’s not that much taller than Seungri himself.  He’s not that good-looking either but he has nice hair and that offsets his too long face.  It’s his eyes that Seungri keeps being drawn back too.  It’s his eyes and his eyebrows.  It’s not exactly the same, but it’s close enough.  They remind him of Top-hyung’s._

 

_It’s a silent conversation done with no words, just a tilt of the guy’s head towards the bathroom and a shrug of Seungri’s shoulder and they reach an understanding.  Could he do it?  Should he?  This will be the first guy he does anything with and maybe he’s not as attracted to other men as much as he’s attracted to Top-hyung and women, but there’s a first time for everything, right?  After so long, it’s just nice to feel wanted again.  It’s not that he doesn’t have pick of his women, he does, but it all feels so empty and hollow now, especially since he knows the majority of them want something more. He can’t give that to them.  At least this guy knows it’s nothing more than a quick release._

 

_He gets up from his seat to go towards the bathroom but Top-hyung catches him by the shoulder.  “You okay?” he asks, concern making his brow furrow together.  “You’ve been out of it all night.”_

 

“ _Yeah,” he shouts over house music.  “I’m feeling a little lightheaded so I’m gonna go splash some water on my face.  I’ll be right back.”_

 

_“Okay, let me know if you want to get out of here,” he says, giving Seungri’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze and then he lets Seungri go._

 

_He meets the guy in front of the public bathroom.  It’s too risky, even if they lock the door.  He shakes his head and signals for the guy to follow him.  Seungri knows the club owner, knows where the private bathrooms are, knows they won’t be disturbed there._

 

_Before the door even shuts fully the guy leans into him, all experience and confidence, none of the bravado Seungri himself is displaying, and he opens Seungri’s mouth with a skilled tongue.  The kiss is long and slow, filthy and dirty and it makes Seungri pliable.  For a first kiss with another man, it’s not so bad.  It’s really not all that bad at all.  There’s a part of him that’s nervous and the guy picks it up._

 

_“Relax,” he says against Seungri’s mouth.  “We can go slow.”_

 

_“Yeah?” He hates how his voice wavers._

 

_“You’re cute,” he says before he kisses Seungri again.  Like he promises he goes slow, waiting for Seungri to calm down before he goes any further than kissing.  Nimble fingers open his button down shirt, hot hands run down his chest and his abs, and then he drops to his knees.  He stares up at Seungri and all he can see is Top-hyung’s eyes.  His belt and jeans are undone next, and then the guy is tugging them down.  Seungri realizes he doesn’t even know the guy’s name.  It seems rude to ask now._

 

_He sucks in a gasp, nervous and excited at the same time, counter of the sink digging into the small of his back, grounding him to reality.  And then there’s a knock on the door, knuckles hitting wood once, twice, and Top-hyung asking, “Seungri, you okay?” just before he pushes the door open.  “Let’s go-” The words die on his lips as he stares at the two of them, Seungri and his club guy._

 

**STOP.  REWIND.  
**

 

_Jiyong watches him with careful, discerning eyes as he circles the living room, the kitchen, back to the living room and then the fridge.  He slams it shut after two seconds.  He opens the cupboards.  He slams those shut too._

 

_“Seungri, stop.”  Jiyong’s tone doesn’t leave room for disagreeing.  He stops beside the sink.  “What’s wrong?”_

 

_“Nothing’s wrong.”  The reply is immediate.  Too fast.  Jiyong doesn’t say anything, just looks at him expectantly.  It’s a war of gazes.  Seungri loses.  A sigh and then he deflates.  “I saw Top-hyung with his nuna.”_

 

_“His nuna.”  Jiyong is unimpressed._

 

_“Yes!  The one he wrote his song about!”  How does Jiyong not know this?_

 

_“And you know it’s her, how?”_

 

_A rare occurrence of guilt flutters inside is stomach.  “After Top-hyung talked about her, I looked for pictures online.”_

 

_Jiyong sighs, elbows coming to rest on the table while this fingers slide up his cheek and then into his hair before gripping it.  Jiyong is disappointed in him, he can tell.  Honestly, he’s a little disappointed in himself as well._

 

_“Seungri, she’s not a celebrity.  She shouldn’t have to deal with people spreading her pictures online.  If Top-hyung knew-”_

 

_“He’d be angry,” Seungri finishes for him.  “I know.  But I had to know.  I had to!  What interests him?  Is it her face?  Is it her hair?  Her eyes?  Something I can’t see?  What type of person does Top-hyung fall for?  I had to-”_

 

**FAST FORWARD**.

 

_He’s destroyed their apartment.  He doesn’t quite understand it himself, why he’s suddenly so angry and so hurt.  He kicks at Daesung’s shoes and Jiyong’s notebooks and stupid Top-hyung’s clothes lying strewn about on their living room floor but it does nothing to satisfy this- this- this_ anger _that’s brewing inside of him.  It takes over, clouding everything, until all he can see is red._

 

_He huffs and he huffs before he rinses and repeats, slamming cupboards to hear the unsatisfying sounds of wood whacking against wood.  Opening the fridge and then slamming it shut again out of frustration.  He flips their flimsy coffee table, upending all the loose sheets of music and lyrics Top-hyung can’t be bothered to put away._

 

_Top-hyung.  Top-hyung and his nuna.  What does he see in her anyhow?  She’s not even that pretty, not compared to the other girls who throw themselves at Top-hyung.  Fuck._

 

_Jiyong chooses that moment to return home and stops in the foyer.  “Okay,” he says slowly, tentatively cautious.  “What the hell happened?”  
_

  
**REWI-**

 

_Once, maybe Seungri could understand.  Twice.  Well, maybe they had more to catch-up on.  Three times?  Three times, okay.  Whatever.  It’s not like anything is going on.  A month later and Top-hyung is sneaking out in the middle of the night to go see her and he’s annoyed.  Pissed off._

 

_He watches from the window, sees Top-hyung’s hand on the small of her back as he leads her away from the apartment to who knows where and it sets something off inside him._

 

**FORWA-.**

 

_He’s angry and overwhelmed, palms pressing into his eyes as he wills his tears not to fall.  Body betraying him, they leak through the corners, passed his hand, and roll down, down, down his cheeks.  Fucking Christ.  How pathetic._

 

_“If you like him, you should have told him.  This whole trying to get his attention by sleeping with a bunch of girls thing was stupid.”  Jiyong never sugar coats anything, tells it exactly how it is_

 

_“I get it,” he shoots back, voice raw.  “I fucking get it, okay?”  He wipes at his tears angrily._

 

_Jiyong’s silence would be more bearable if he wasn’t sniffling like a fool.  He can’t stop though.  Once the crying started, it doesn’t seem to want to stop.  He’s trying to control his breathing, trying to stop his chest from heaving and sobbing like a mess there in front of his leader.  It’s all pointless because seconds later that’s what he’s doing.  He’s sitting in front of his group leader crying because his heart is fucking broken and he was too much of an idiot before to realize he was driving himself straight to this point._

 

_All those girls.  He’d lost count of how many.  All those girls were so Top-hyung would finally look at him._

 

_How fucking stupid indeed._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_The second girl happens because he’s foolish and thought that hey, if at first you don’t succeed, you try, try again.  Just like everyone keeps saying.  Well, they should have told him your second attempt should probably not be the same as your first attempt.  He goes all out for his second try, flirting and following the girl around all night like a lost puppy, acting cute and vulnerable towards her to draw in her affection even while his eyes keep drifting over to Top-hyung again and again._

 

_Nothing._

 

_Still nothing._

 

_He has to try harder._

 

_Seungri leans into her space and captures her lips in a chaste kiss right there on the couch for everyone to see as the colorful disco lights spun above them.  When he breaks away to gauge Top-hyung’s reaction he realizes Top-hyung hadn’t given him an ounce of attention then either.  He’s in some corner of the room chatting with Jiyong and laughing his ass off as he punches Jiyong’s shoulder.  The disappointment in the pit of his stomach should have been a hint for him then.  Instead, like an idiot, he let the girl climb on top of him, straddling his thighs, her long black hair a curtain between them and the rest of the room._

 

_In the morning he tries sneaking back into the apartment unnoticed but Top-hyung, uncharacteristically wide awake and eating a bowl of cereal at the table, greets him a wide grin and two thumbs up before returning to his cereal.  Dread burns inside him._

 

**FORWARD.**

 

_The third girl?  Whoever said the third time’s the charm should be shot.  Okay, no.  That’s going too far.  They deserve at least a punch in the face though because three times, three different girls and still nothing.  No reaction from Top-hyung.  The first two girls had eventually realized what they were at least -- one night stands -- but this last one, she’s a little crazy.  He had to change is number once already because the girl would not take a hint.  How she had gotten his number, he doesn’t know.  He doesn’t remember giving it to her at least.  He tried ghosting her out slowly, taking longer and longer to reply until he stopped altogether.  That in turn only brought him an onslaught of phone calls every hour on the hour and then shorter and shorter and shorter until it felt like his phone was going off every other second.  It annoys Jiyong and if Jiyong is annoyed then Youngbae is annoyed.  Daesung had shown him sympathy at least._

 

_Top-hyung only laughs in his face._

 

**SKIP.**

 

_“Let’s go-” The words die on his lips as he stares at the two of them, Seungri and his club guy._

 

_“Shit,” he hisses, panicked, trying to pull away from the guy quickly to save some of his lost dignity.  Top-hyung doesn’t need to see him like this.  The guy is clearly not very smart as he’s one step too slow.  What pleasure he felt pooling in his groin before melts away into nothing but hell as Top-hyung continues to stare at them, mouth forming a slight “o” in shock, something like hurt in his eyes and that claws at him.  He clumsily drags his jeans back up to fix himself as Top-hyung hardens his face, emotions unreadable, and backs away, closing the door with nary a sound._

 

_Not like this.  Please, not like this._

 

_He pushes the other guy away.  Doesn’t spare him a second glance before he’s bounding out the door, chasing after Top hyung, trying to pick out his back in the crowd of too many people._

 

_“Hyung,” he shouts over the thump thump thump of the bass the loud screams of drunk people but is ignored.  “Hyung!” he tries again, this time curling around Top-hyung’s shoulder to stop and turn him around.  Finally,_ finally, _they’re face to face, an unreadable smile on his lips._

 

_“You looked like you were having fun,” he says, cold, a wall of ice between the two of them.  “Don’t let me be the one who stops you.”_

 

_Hushed, hurried, “I can explain-”_

 

_Top-hyung shuts him down.  “No need.”_

 

_“Hyu-”_

 

_“Go.  Have fun.  Enjoy yourself.”  Distanced.  Cold.  Aiming to cut._  “Go.”

 

_Seungri falls apart.  “Hyung, you’re acting like a jerk,” he says just as the beat drops and the music stops.  “A huge fucking jerk.”  Tears well up in his eyes, building and building and building until he can’t keep them at bay anymore.  They fall, gliding down his cheeks.  He wipes at them furiously with his sleeve._

 

_“Seungri-”_

 

_Seungri cuts him off.  “Whatever,” he says, backing away.  He’s hurt and no longer willing to listen or try to explain or anything. He has no idea what’s going on, has no idea why Top-hyung is so angry and cold towards him, brushing him off and telling him to GO without letting him get a word in._

 

_These past couple of months have too much too much already.  All the girls and craving Top-hyung’s attention and Top-hyung’s ex-girlfriend or whatever that was, he never did get a clear answer.  Realizing he wants something more than just friendship with his hyung.  Realizing it’s never going to happen.  And now this.  It’s too much.  He’s only fucking twenty.  He always thought the hard stuff would come later in life._

 

_Top-hyung tries again.  “Seungri-”_

 

_“No.  I don’t want to hear anymore.”_

 

_He’s done, turns to_ go _just like Top-hyung wanted._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_Normally he loves to go clubbing.  Some nights it feels like he lives for it -- Jiyong on one side, Top-hyung on the other as they introduce him to other people in the industry.  Tonight, though, tonight he’s off.  Tonight he’d rather just curl up on the couch and watch a drama or a movie or something._

 

_But Top-hyung had thrown an arm around his shoulder and said, right into his ear, “Let’s paint this town red,” and he was agreeing faster than he could think it seems like.  Top-hyung keeps the arm curled around him most of the way to the club, never pulling away too far, a constant presence by his side that keeps him a buzz, especially when Top-hyung would say something, anything, in that low voice of his.  It’s not much better once they’re inside.  The arm goes away but his hands are something else.  At least one of them is doing something to Seungri.  It’s on his arm or his sliding down his chest or it’s ruffling his hair, Top-hyung smiling down at him.  Most of the time, it rests on the back of his neck, a comfortable warmth that he doesn’t want to get used to.  It’s driving him insane._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_Top-hyung takes him out to dinner, just the two of them.  It’s a place a little fancier than where they usually go with the rest of the group.  He wants to ask where the rest of the members are, why it’s only just the two of them, but Top-hyung pours him some wine and shrugs._

 

_They go out more often, just the two of them, after that.  Top-hyung holds his hand._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_There’s a hand on the small of his back guiding him off the stage.  He expects it’s Jiyong invading his space again for the hundredth time except he spots Jiyong two steps ahead, hugging Youngbae from behind as the older of the two lead them forward.  It can’t be Daesung because they’re not that close, not by a long shot, so that leaves only Top-hyung._

 

_Top-hyung presses the long length of his body against Seungri’s back._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_The way Top-hyung looks at him is different.  Seungri sees him tilt his head to one side, perplexed._

 

_“Do I have something on my face?” he asks._

 

_Top-hyung laughs, loud and joyous, but shakes his head.  “When did you grow up?” he says instead._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_Top-hyung has him in a faux choke hold, one hand on top of his head, ruffling his hair until it’s too much of a mess to pass on tv.  He’ll get scolded again, he says, protesting, but Top-hyung doesn’t seem to care.  He keeps going and Seungri’s making these noise in protest and it makes Top-hyung laugh so it’s stupid but he doesn’t stop.  Top-hyung calls him cute, and then smacks a kiss against his cheek._

 

**REWIND.**

 

_They talk, him and Jiyong, while they clean up Seungri’s mess together.  Jiyong, perhaps kinder because he knows how vulnerable and raw Seungri is at the moment, doesn’t reprimand him.  He offers gentle words and encouragement and sound advice._

 

_Jiyong waits with him while he waits for Top-hyung to come back home and falls asleep on the sofa beside him.  He doesn’t return that night but Seungri decides that’s okay.  He’s okay.  He_ will _be okay.  As long as he can be a good friend, a good dongsaeng to Top-hyung, someone Top-hyung can rely on, he’ll be okay.  He’ll try his hardest and maybe someday Top-hyung will tell other people how Seungri is the best dongsaeng he’s ever had, will probably ever had.  As long as he’s something to Top-hyung, he’ll be okay._

 

_He decides that night.  No more girls.  No more using them.  That was kind of a dick thing to do, really_.

 

**REWIND.**

 

_It’s a little uncomfortable with just him and Top-hyung in the room.  The air is tense but there’s a smile on Top-hyung’s lips and mischief in his eyes.  Then fingers wrap around the back of his neck and pushes him forward and the teasing starts_

_He grins and looks up at Top-hyung.  “Thanks,” he says._

 

**STOP. >> x32**

 

_They have the dorm to themselves, Jiyong having walked out just five minutes before.  Top-hyung wiggles his eyebrows at Seungri. Well, he tries his best to, at least.  There’s a smirk that spreads on his face, and Seungri should just kick him.  He really should but God damnit he can’t resist.  He crawls across the length of the now too long couch and climbs on top of Top-hyung.  Ha.  On top of Top.  He’s so clever.  Shut up.  He is._

 

_The back of his arms rest on Top-hyung’s shoulder, his fingers playing with the tips of his hair, his legs straddling Top-hyung’s thighs.  For his part, Top-hyung has his arms wrapped around Seungri’s back, pulling him in until their bodies are flushed together and he’s looking up at Seungri with a besotted look on his face._

 

_He grins up at Seungri.  “Kiss me,” he says.  How can Seungri say no?_

 

**STOP.  RESET.**

 

Crumbled.  Dejected.  Defeated.  Seungri sits on the curb just outside the club, head hanging between his knees, hands on the back of his head.  The past few months flash before his eyes like a movie.  None of the mundane, boring, everyday stuff like practicing their next performance or washing dishes or sitting in front of the tv watching a drama.  The important parts.  Forwards and backs and forwards and stop.

 

**PLAY.**

 

Someone settles down next to him.  He has no doubt it’s Top-hyung.  He hears the familiar flick of a lighter, too used to it by now with both Jiyong and Top-hyung smoking like crazy to deal with the stress of fame.  One drag that seems to go on forever and then a slow exhales that seems to take just as long.

 

“I don’t think we’re on the same page,” Top-hyung says to him.  “I think that’s my fault.”

 

“What page?” he finally asks.  “I don’t understand why you’re so upset.  Jiyong-hyung messes with other guys all the time and you don’t get mad at him.  I don’t know what I did and then you wouldn’t let me talk at all.  You were being a jerk to me and I don’t even get why.”

 

Top-hyung sighs.  “I know.  I’m sorry.”  He takes another drag of his cigarette to stall for time.  “I thought we were heading somewhere, you know.  Destination: couple-ville or something corny like that.  I took you out on all these dates and I hold your hand all the time and you never seem against it.  You looked like you enjoyed it, the dates and the hand holding at least but it was just one-sided.  I read the signs wrong.  I’m sorry.”

 

“What?”  He’s starting to sound like a broken record.  It’s starting to get annoying.  “Dates?”

 

“What did you think they were?”

 

“I don’t know, friends having dinner and hanging out.”

 

“Seungri, there’s a guy who stands around to pour us wine.”

 

Oh.  Now that he thinks about it, it does all start to make sense.  When it WAS just the two of them Top-hyung DID take him to all these fancy places.  Dinners and art museums and he did hold Seungri’s hand a lot.  Seungri had never pulled away because he liked it, wanted Top-hyung to keep holding his hand forever.  Jesus.  He’s an idiot.

 

Top-hyung clears his throat.  “Anyway, sorry about the confusion.  We’re good now.”

 

Seungri starts to panic when Top-hyung makes to leave.  He catches Top-hyung’s wrist in his hand.  It’s just the two of them on that curb, no other soul in sight.  Rare, miraculous even.  The hands of fate probably.  Jiyong’s words echo in his head.  _If you like him you should have told him_.

 

He tugs Top-hyung back down and gathers all his courage.  After all, he can still get rejected, especially since Top-hyung had just seen some other guy about to go down on him less than half an hour before.  He sucks in a breath and says it out loud for the first time.

 

“I like you.”

 

\----

**Author's Note:**

> So, this isn't the fic I imagined it being when I first thought of the plot. It wasn't working writing it traditionally and then, while brushing my teeth, the idea of setting up the story non-linear and like you're rewinding and fast forwarding through Seungri's memories like an actual movie/dvd and skipping back and forth to the significant parts kind of bit me. So I like the idea, but it's not typically how I like to write because the way the set-up is, it needs that choppy feel and I typically like things to flow from thing to another. 
> 
> I don't know. I would love to hear what you guys think =)


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